Find Me
by bruninhagalle
Summary: A Jeller Christmas Eve set somewhere on season 2 after episode 2x13. Jane is not serious with Oliver yet or it's over between them or let's just ignore his existence. Ok? Hahahaha. Well, enjoy!


**A/N:** Hi, guys! So this is my contribution to the amazing holidayblindspot on Tumblr.

Set somewhere on season 2 after episode 2x13 and Jane is not serious with Oliver yet or it's over between them or let's just ignore his existence. Ok? Hahahaha. Well, enjoy!

* * *

He spent the whole Christmas Eve dinner thinking about her.

The tattoo database had been mercifully silent that day, allowing them to stay at the NYO and not in the field getting shot at. By the end of their shift, the whole team was in Patterson's lab, sharing a drink and their plans for the holiday.

Kurt watched as Jane tried to hide her pain, her… loneliness. She smiled when she knew she was supposed to but he still could read her like an open book. Even after everything that had happened, that hasn't changed. He knew her and the conversation was making her uncomfortable and sad which probably meant she had no plans and no one to share the day with.

"What about you, Jane?" - Patterson had asked her, suddenly putting her on the spotlight.

She had fidgeted in place, looking from one member of the team to the other and just shrugged.

"I'm going to share a meal with Roman and go home, I guess."

"You want to swing by my parent's house later?"

Jane had smiled - and this time Kurt noticed it was genuine and reached her eyes - always in awe of how precious and empathetic Patterson could be.

"No, it's okay, Patterson. I'm tired. I could use a few more hours of sleep. That is if nothing happens until tomorrow."

"Oh, come on, Jane! Don't jinx it!" - Zapata had said, laughing and saying her goodbyes.

It bothered him that she only had a brother with no memories, a glass wall between them and a take out meal as her Christmas Eve but couldn't bring himself to invite her to his plans. Even if things were better between them with each day that passed, and especially since after the night she brought him some beers and made him company, having dinner with him, Allie and Conor probably wasn't high on her list.

"You okay, Kurt? You seem a little distracted." - Allie's voice snapped him out of his thoughts and he found himself with only her on the table beside him, their empty plates gone.

"I'm good." - He smiled apologetically at her. Allie only rolled her eyes, letting him know she knew he was lying.

"How are things at the NYO?" - And it was his time to roll _his _eyes. She was digging, trying to figure out what was wrong with.

"Crazy. The usual." - He really wasn't in the mood to talk about the recent developments, like Roman or how Shepherd was observing him since his military academy days.

"How is Jane?" - She asked unceremoniously, and Kurt raised an eyebrow at her.

"She is fine." - He was even less inclined to discuss Jane.

"Good. I can't imagine what she went through at the hands of the CIA. They are not the good guys all the time. But Jane is, even if she made mistakes. You know that, don't you?"

"Of course I do."

"So have you forgiven her?"

He had never truly stopped to think about it but the answer came easily on his mind: yes. He had. He had had time by now to go through all the things that occurred: her mistakes, her choices, _his _mistakes, _his_ choices. They had both done so many terrible ones. He analyzed so many scenarios in his head of how things could be different if one of them had been more smart, more honest, more rational. Except there was absolutely nothing rational about their relationship from the beginning and they both had paid the price.

Well, she had paid it much more highly than him, he could admit it now.

"Yeah." - He smiled a little, his answer without a trace of doubt.

"And have you told her that?" - Allie knew he hadn't. They had been together for almost a year when she finally got tired of his walls and lack of communication.

"What are you doing, Allie?"

"You arrested her. She spent three months at the hands of the CIA, being tortured day in and day out. She got herself free. You guys dragged her back to the FBI. Hated her. Distrusted her. Don't you think she deserves to hear you say it?"

He sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. He avoided reliving the night he had arrested her with everything he had in him. It was one of the biggest mistakes of his life. One he would never forgive himself for. One that would always bring him agony.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up." - Allie touched his arm. - "It's none of my business."

He opened his eyes, knew he wouldn't be able to hide the emotions her words had caused but not particularly caring. He should have talked about it with someone a long time ago and Allie was one of his best friends.

"She deserves it. I'm just terrified she might say _she_ can't ever forgive _me_."

To his surprise, Allie smiled, her hand squeezing his arm.

"Remember when I worked with you guys and she saved my life?" - He nodded, a shiver going through him. Things came fairly close to go to hell that day. - "When I told her I was pregnant with your child, she looked absolutely devastated."

"Allie,"

"And when we did the gender reveal party, I observed her when she thought no one was looking and she still felt the same but was trying her damn best to hide it." - She lifted a finger to prevent him from talking. - "That woman is in love with you. She never stopped loving you, even now, even after everything you did to each other, she still loves you. So yes, she will forgive you. She already has."

_It is possible to lie to someone and still love them very much._

"This pregnancy is making you mellow." - He growled, not meaning it and she laughed.

"Talk to her."

"Why is this so important to you?"

"Because we go a long way, Kurt, and I've never seen you look at another woman the way you look at her. Not even me. You two have a connection. Everyone knows it. _You _know it. You are just too stubborn to do something about it."

He shook his head, not quite believing this was how his night turned out to be: talking about Jane and confronting his feelings for her. Two things he tried his best not to do.

"I'm going to check on Conor and bring us more wine." - She got up and he followed, ready to be somewhere else.

"I think I'm heading out, Allie. Thank you for dinner." - He hugged her tightly. - "Merry Christmas. Thank Conor for me."

"Will do." - She had a look that told him she knew exactly where he was going. - "Merry Christmas, Kurt."

"See you."

He let himself out, got out of the building and stopped on the sidewalk, letting the cold air clear his head. Did Jane love him? How could she, after everything he'd done? She cared about him, of that he was sure and that alone could explain a lot of her actions, couldn't it? Allie was just flooded by hormones, making her a lot more sentimental and amplifying her romantic side.

Right?

He cursed under his breath, the image of Jane's sad eyes haunting him for the thousandth time that night.

He started making his way to her safe house, telling himself it was just to keep her company and not to check if any of the things Allie said could be remotely true. No. It didn't matter. She had moved on. _He _had moved on. They were friends. That was it.

* * *

She was on the couch, buried under the covers and reading a fiction book Patterson had recommended when a light knock on her door almost made her jump. It was past eleven o'clock on Christmas Eve so who the hell could it be?

When she opened the door, she was left speechless. Kurt Weller was the last person she expected to find out there.

"Hi." - He said sheepishly, a small smile on his lips.

"Hey." - She couldn't help but smile at him too. He always had that effect on her. It was a great surprise and from his expression, he wasn't there because the world was on the verge of ending.

"Well, I bought these delicious beers and immediately thought of a thing a friend of mine once said." - Her smile grew, remembering exactly what he was referring to. - "There's really no reason that we both should be sitting home alone when I've got these amazing Pennsylvania beer."

"Well, this friend of yours is very wise." - She replied, stepping aside and letting him in.

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything." - He said, nearly feeling guilty for intruding on her night like this. It _was _almost midnight after all.

"No, no. It's okay. I was just reading something." - She gestured to the kitchen and he followed her there, depositing the six-pack on the counter, grabbing two, opening them and handing her one.

"Thanks." - She took a sip, studying him. She had no idea what had led him to her safe house but her traitorous heart was telling her no matter the motive, he still made time to see her on a day like today and this knowledge warmed her from the inside out.

_Stop it, Jane. He moved on. He is with Nas. _

"So, how was your dinner with Roman?" - She focused on his words, trying to get out of the dangerous path that was letting Kurt Weller into her heart. Though part of her was certain he had never left it to begin with. But she wouldn't, _couldn't _think about it now.

_He is with Nas._

Sometimes she thought if she repeated it enough, _she_ could move on. Forget him. Forget what she felt for him.

"It was great. He might not remember much but he's still my brother so it was special, even if we ate out of little cardboard boxes." - She laughed and he couldn't help but wonder the last time he heard her laughter.

"I'm glad you could spend it with him, Jane." - Roman was dangerous, unstable but he made her happy so his sentiment was genuine.

"Yeah, me too." - Her last Christmas had been horrible. It was a few weeks after her torture session, courtesy of Thomas Carter; she was trying to push Kurt away and more confused than ever with Oscar's snippets of information and mysterious missions. It was a time she often thought as the beginning of the end of the life she had started building since coming out of that bag and her relationships with the people in it, especially the one with the man in front of her right now.

She focused on him again, not wanting to dwell on that part of her last year.

"So how was your dinner with Allie and her boyfriend?"

"It was great." - _And confusing, and revealing, and I really hate Allie right now._ \- "Conor is a nice guy. I'm glad she found him."

"I thought you'd be meeting Nas after your dinner." - She went straight to the point, the way only Jane could do with him. He stared at her, at a loss for words. So she knew? He thought they were discreet.

"No. I have no idea what she's doing tonight or who she is with. It doesn't matter." - He calmly stated, watching her closely, hoping she got the message.

Jane felt her heart leaping with this news, understanding what he was not saying and tried desperately to tamp it down. It didn't mean anything for her. For them.

"Oh. I'm sorry."

Kurt just shrugged, not seeming to care about the end of his relationship in the least. She wanted to ask him why it didn't work but couldn't find the courage to do it so she just stayed quiet, enjoying her drink. They were getting closer but it still wasn't close enough for her to ask whatever came to her mind.

"This movie is a classic." - He broke the silence after a few seconds and pointed to the muted TV with his bottle. She looked in its direction, not recognizing it. To be honest, since she lost her memories, she had a lot of popular culture to catch up on, particularly movies.

"Is it?"

"You still haven't watched the Christmas' classics?" - And when she shook her head, he sighed dramatically. - "We need to fix that, Jane."

She laughed at his expression and bit her lip, considering her next words.

_Screw it. You are here. He is here._

"So are we starting tonight?" - She could see her question took him by surprise and she hid a smile. It was good to catch Special Agent Weller off guard sometimes.

"I was thinking of coming back here tomorrow and we could watch some of the favorite ones. It's kinda late." - And this way, he would make sure they could spend Christmas Day together.

"Do you have somewhere to be?" - She aimed a grin at him, both her eyebrows raised. Was she challenging him? Flirting with him?

Was he losing his mind?

"No." - _This is where I want to be._

"So come on. I 'll grab some snacks, you grab the beers and we can move this party to the couch."

He couldn't think of a better plan for his holiday.

* * *

The movie was about Christmas wishes and how they could become true, no matter how impossible they seemed. By the end of it, Jane was silent, a contemplative expression on her face.

"So, Jane…" - He found himself saying, the three bottles of beer he already had surely boosting his confidence. - "If you had one Christmas wish, what would it be?"

She thought about it for a while. There were so many things she wished could have happened differently. So many things she missed about her life before her lies and mistakes. But every time she thought about what she would have changed - and she thought about it a lot -, she always came back to that fateful night.

"I wish I had met you in that park after seeing Oscar."

If she had met him in the park, she would have told him the truth. They would have dealt together with what her old organization was demanding of her and what to do about their little missions. Mayfair would probably still be alive. Oscar would probably be behind bars, and if decided to cooperate to save his ass, maybe they would have already caught Shepherd, Phase Two stopped before it could cause innocent deaths, like those of the FBI agents on that failed raid. Maybe she and Kurt would be together, the way she envisioned in that wonderful dream.

"Jane…"

"Everything would be different." - She took a gulp of her beer, suddenly needing the burn of the alcohol in her throat. Maybe it could burn the tears she felt at bay away. - "_Everything_." - She finished quietly, not looking at him. If she did, she wasn't sure she could hold herself together much longer.

Kurt felt his heart breaking for her. He knew what it was like to be stuck in one day from the past, wishing his actions were different, so the outcome could be different. She was putting herself through an agonizing process, one that didn't change absolutely anything.

Scooting closer to her on the couch, he tentatively touched her arm, letting his hand stay there when she didn't flinch nor tried to pull away.

"Don't do this to yourself, Jane." - He was almost whispering, scared she would retreat further into herself and push him away. - "You did the best you could out of an impossible situation."

She looked startled at him.

"The best?" - She laughed sarcastically. - "I lied to you, for months. I betrayed your trust, the team's, Mayf… Mayfair's." - One tear escaped and she cursed herself. - "I got her killed with my little missions."

"Jane." - God, he wanted to hold her close and never let go. Stop her suffering any way he could.

She tightened her eyes, taking a deep breath and getting herself back under control.

"Look at me." - He said it so firmly she couldn't do anything but turn her head and stare at him. - "Oscar killed her. Not you. We all made mistakes back then, ok? And…" - He looked away then back at her. Her hopeful expression was all the incentive he needed to keep talking. - "For what it's worth, I forgive you."

She blinked, not quite believing her ears. He was forgiving her? Her mind took her back to her first days back with the team, with him.

_I don't like being in the same room as her._

_The anger in his eyes. The absolute disappointment. _

And now… she fixed her eyes on him again, still not quite knowing what to say. She knew they were friends again, knew he was doing his best to put their past behind them and go forward, but to forgive her?

"You deserve to hear it. You are a good person, Jane." - He smiled a little, his thumb caressing her arm. He felt a thousand pounds lighter. This conversation was way overdue. And maybe, just maybe, his words could help her lift some of the weight she was always carrying on her shoulders. - "And I hope someday you can forgive me too."

"I've already forgiven you, Kurt." - She covered his hand with hers, still processing everything he just told her but needing him to know that immediately so there wouldn't be a doubt in his mind about it.

"Thank you, Jane." - He said quietly, and she could hear his relief in every word.

"Thank you, too."

They shared small smiles, their eyes never losing contact. And they stayed like that for a while, reconnecting in a way they hadn't allowed themselves to do since she came back. She could almost see his walls completely crumbling down for her again, feeling a thrill at what it meant for her. For… them. For the first time since everything went wrong, she let herself hope he could feel for her what he did back then.

If she could have one more Christmas wish, it would be this moment right here.

"What about you, Kurt?" - She was curious to know what his answer would be. Maybe it would give her a glimpse into what he was thinking at that moment. - "What's the Christmas wish you have you wished it could be true?"

He licked his lips, let his eyes roam slowly over her face, glanced at her mouth and let it be his answer.

"Kurt…"

His free hand palmed her face, his thumb drawing circles again her cheek, giving her enough time to pull away and stop him. Except she just stayed there, her eyes momentarily falling shut and then opening again, looking at him with that expression she used to wear in the beginning, when she seemed completely lost but somehow could find answers in him.

_You. You are my starting point._

"I want another chance with you." - He said, feeling the butterflies in his stomach. This was risky. Maybe Allie was wrong. Maybe she could forgive him but not love him back. Maybe it was too much to expect it from her. - "If you want it too. If you still feel the same. I know things,"

"I do." - She interrupted him, her other hand now going up and covering the one on her cheek. She was dreaming, wasn't she? That was the only explanation for what was happening to her that night. - "I want that too." - And she smiled at him, a real, stunning, Jane Doe smile. His breath caught in his throat and he realized only in that moment how much he missed her and their unique, strong connection.

"Are you sure?" - She had to be because once they started this, he was not letting her go. Not _ever_.

"Yes." - Her answer was fast, confidant. It was the easiest thing he had ever asked her.

He gave her a smile she would remember for the rest of her life before pulling her head to him and kissing her. By a silent mutual agreement, their kiss was soft, just lips reconnecting after a great time apart.

She remembered her dream and smiled, forcing him to pull away.

"What?"

"Nothing. Just… this is the best Christmas I can remember and I know that's not much coming from me but,"

He covered her mouth and kissed her again, effectively shutting her up.

"Mine too, Jane." - He murmured against her lips, his forehead resting against hers. - "Thank you, by the way."

"For what?"

"Giving me another chance."

"We owe it to ourselves to see where this goes, don't you think?" - One of the things that devastated her the most after her mistakes was not knowing what they could be together and where their relationship could go. The "what ifs" often enough drove her crazy.

"Yeah." - He kissed her on the forehead and leaned away. - "What do you say we go on a date tomorrow?"

"I'd love that." - She smiled brilliantly, a shine in her eyes only he could put there.

"Good." - He got up, taking her with him. - "I should go. It's late and our date will start at breakfast if you have no objections."

She almost looked disappointed but then her face changed, she wounded her arms behind his neck, preventing him from going anywhere.

"Stay."

"Jane…"

"Stay, Kurt. We've already wasted too much time." - She used her best pleading eyes on him, hoping he still couldn't resist them. - "Besides, I'm afraid if you have time to think, you will change your mind about dating me. Have you met my mother?" - He had and they both laughed at her joke.

"I won't change my mind about you." - He said, with that serious expression only Kurt Weller could muster.

"Stay." - She repeated, her eyes flickering to his lips and back to him. It reminded him of another night, of starting points and how he hadn't stayed that day.

Tonight, it would be different.

They did own it to themselves. They deserved as many happy moments as they could grab.

"Ok." - He hugged her, crushing her to him. - "Merry Christmas, Jane."

_I love you, Jane._

"Merry Christmas, Kurt."

They spent the rest of their holiday making a lot of wishes come true.

And it was just the beginning.


End file.
